Steady As We Go

*Warning- there is a crap ton of profanity in this post*

Chris' big surgery is 6 days away now. 

6. Days. 

I think I have been afraid to make any of it truly public because I was so afraid that they would find a reason to stop it. After 3.5 years this is the closest he has ever been to actually getting it done. Today was his final pre-op appointment. He has been fully green lighted to go. There is a shit ton we still don't know. No one does. 

There are plans for plans for plans.  A Plans, B Plans, C Plans. I can't control a God Damn thing so I make plans. I am trying so hard to keep it together.

So. Fucking. Hard. 

For him. For my sweet, very scared little girls. 

You wanna know what Lily told him today after day care? She told him she is so upset that she can't even put into words. She told him that she doesn't know her birth father. Chris is her only Daddy and she can't loose him. 

What the hell am I suppose to do with that?! 

We have been working extensively in therapy with her to help her deal with all of this. We have been honest, to a 10 and 8 year old level. They do not know that if my Aunt comes to our house to bring them to see Mommy at the hospital that Daddy has died.  I have to do this for Lily mostly. She has to connect the dots. They do not know that I have called in every favor at that school to make them a support net if needed. They don't know that Chris has done everything possible to protect us.  They do not know in the least how much sleep he and I have lost in the weeks leading up to now. At home I am positive! Positive! POSITIVE! 

And they have no clue how terrified I am. 

We have decided to keep them home from school that day.  My parents are coming in to help us on Friday and will stay until we are stable. The girls will stay home with my Dad. My Mom is coming with me and Chris to the hospital. 

So here is where it stands right now. The bariatric part of the surgery is super easy, honestly not worried about that at all. It is the getting him down and back up. The ENT who he is working with has decided to do what is called an awake intubation. He will be awake for a portion of the intubation process. As long as they can keep him supported then he will not be trach'ed. However, that is where the huge unknown lies. Chris hasn't been put under for this amount of time for a very very long time. At least the 20 years he and I have been together. No one knows how he is going to handle it. He has told them that they are go trach him at any point to ensure this surgery is completed. Period. 

If he is trach'ed he will probably be so forever. The ENT is afraid that there is just too much damage in the area. If this is the case there is a very good chance Chris will never use his voice again. Granted he will be alive. But I know how devastating that would be for him in the short term until he learned to live that way.  

I carry terrible guilt. I feel like this is all my fault. All those years I was so over weight and he did all the heavy lifting, he wouldn't have pulled the hernia if I would have been taking better care of myself. If I would have been a better partner. Yup, this has me pretty fucked up. He knows this, and swears he doesn't even think about it like that. I didn't hold the food and shove it in his mouth. I didn't exactly tell him no either. I will never forgive myself if something happens. Never.