Double Kisses

Lily has been asking a TON of questions about her birth mom. She calls her Guatemala Mommy. I am completely not threaten by her questions and I let them come out naturally. Funny though they always seem to come up during lunchtime.... sometimes while we are snuggling but mostly at lunch. She understands a lot of what happened during the process to bring her home-on a 4 year old level.

Today though the way she was retelling it to me took me aback. She said 'You wanted a baby of your own and you couldn't have one. Then you found me.' Most people not in the world wouldn't understand why that one word stood out, but it did like an elephant in an ant hill. I told her that was, in fact, my child and that God knew how badly we wanted a baby and how badly her Guatemala Mommy wanted her to have a great life. That God put us together. That made her smile. She kept talking about how much she misses her Guatemala Mommy, but that she doesn't want to leave me. She has a huge issues with 'her family' being taken away. She has nightmares about us (namely me) being taken away. We use reassuring language when this comes up. There is true anxiety about this for her. But it doesn't show itself in separation. She loves to go to school, go with Chris to the store without me. She even prefers Chris to me (look up Daddy's girl and there she is!). She will spend time with her Grands.

I thought we were doing to the right thing by making adoption a non-issue. Trying to make it a part of who she is not all that she is. She has been talking about wanting to visit her Guatemala Mommy. I told her that she could go anytime she wanted, but we needed to wait until she was a little older. She said she wanted to show her how good she was getting at her letters, and writing her name. I always tell her that I know she would be over the moon proud of her just like I am. I make sure I tell her that I know she loved her sooo much and wanted the very best for her. We have the picture that was taken of the two of them at the DNA appointment hanging in our living room. Am I reading to much into this? Should we search for her? Should we not? Would this good for Lily or not? I have NO clue... Why does being a parent NOT come with a manual?!

The sweet thing she said one day as we were talking about whom was who's parent (Mom-Mom is Momma's Mommy; Grandpa is Daddy's Daddy etc) Lily said 'my Mommy is my Guatemala Mommy.' My heart stopped, then that sweet baby said 'but you are my Momma'. I admit the corners of my eyes had the burn going on.

Lily, when you are reading this in 15 years... Momma is trying so hard to do this right for you! There was a song that I found when we were waiting for you called From Gods Arms To My Arms To Yours. It is from the prospective of the birth mom. The part that stuck in my mind is where she asks for the parents to kiss him for her. Every special thing in your life, sometimes just because I make sure I take that second and give you double kisses and how I wish with all my might that your Guatemala Mommy could know what was happening at that very moment.