A Lost Boy Found

When we started out on our journey for our family we had NO clue what an up hill battle we were about to endure. Five LONG years of trying on our own, procedures, blood work, medications all led to a monthly reminder that we still weren't pregnant. As corny as this is about to sound it all changed on a family vacation to Disney World. One night at the steps of Cinderella's castle during the fireworks we made a wish, well more like a statement of fact. The next time we would hear that music we would have our children with us. Chris and I spent a LONG time just walking and talking during that trip about what would be our next steps. We had three choices, well really two because we were not, not going to have children. We could either go through IVF (our next step medically), or we could adopt. Just because I listed adoption second for our choices doesn't mean that it was a last option, it was just another one. By the time we made it home from that trip the decision had been made. We didn't tell a soul.

We came back from that trip late November/early December 2004. We worked out tails off to pay down some of the stupid debt that we had, so that when the time was right we would be in the best possible standings. The fork in our road was one that would be costly no matter which we choose. Between the legal fees paid to an attorney to guide us through an adoption, or to the doctors who would guide us through an IVF. Bottom line, we were young (26) and were just starting out on careers. The money would have to come from somewhere, and we decided that when it was time we would try to take it out of our home. We didn't want to more forward until the money was secured in full. In April 2005 we signed the paperwork that would take us on the one of the wildest rides of our lives!

During the in between time we spent a lot of it looking at agencies. One afternoon we stumbled upon the website of the Adoption Agency we would later choose to use. At first when Chris and I talked about where we would adopt from we looked into the laws for a domestic adoption and decided that it wasn't a right fit for us. Then we thought about Russia, that country was a front runner for a while. The day we found our agency and saw those beautiful brown eyed babies, long story short we were in love!

May 5, 2005 - It is easy for me to never forget that exact day. We met with our Adoption Agency for the very first time. I don't think Chris and I (up until that point) had ever been more nervous. These people were going to tear us down to nothing and look for the one thing to deny us- or so we thought. It was VERY overwhelming and I don't remember much of it other then the large pile of papers were going to have to provide them. We got started right away!

May 18, 2005 in Guatemala City, a baby born was born.

We spent most of the summer gutting our house to make it perfect and safe for our new baby. We were inspected by the health department, fire department, we had been finger printed background checked, medically cleared, our family/neighbors and friends were asked to write letters to recommend us, we had to write out our Wills, you name it we did it. The final hurdle was the home visit. This is also when my interview happened. I remember throwing dog toys strategically around our living room so it look 'lived in'! When I was done she went across the street to our neighbors ( who have known me since I was 8 years old!) to make sure we didn't come home drunk or have too many random 'visitors'. In the end we passed with flying colors!

Sometime around the end of May the little baby boy who was born on May 18th showed up on our agencies photo listing. Side note, Chris and I never asked for a girl or a boy. We thought that since we would get a choice biologically why should we pick and choose now. We wanted a baby.

Close to the end of August we were just about cleared through the paperwork when Chris and I talked one night about this baby boy, who, after so many months was still on the photo listing. I remember asking Chris if he thought he was just waiting on us. We took a few more days to think about it and finally August 30, 2005 Chris called to ask. We were both at work, Chris called and I knew to go to the back Doctors office to talk. We had him! We were parents! I floated through the rest of the day. Later that night Chris' parents came over for a late birthday dinner for his Dad. One of his presents was showing him the picture of his soon-to-be Grandson. I wanted to tell all the Grandparents face to face so I kept my mouth shut to my Mom and lied when I told her we did call but he was already placed with another family. Just so we could make it to the weekend to ride down to tell them face to face.

In November we finished off the nursery. It was Winnie the Pooh from the ceiling to the floor. It was beautiful. Chris and I spent a lot of time in there talking, we liked being in there.

The next few months dragged by. We had an update here or there but we were moving at a snails pace. We made it through all the holidays by the skin of my teeth. Month after month passing with no real progress. Little did we know that was a HUGE BEAMING red flag.

Fast forward to January 18, 2006 - Chris' birthday. I had arranged for a singing telegram monkey to go to his work that afternoon. My boss knew I was leaving early, his boss knew what was coming. It was going to be an awesome birthday. I called in that morning to our agency to get a update. Thinking there may have been some movement and I would have happy news to tell him. I had to leave a message for our coordinator. She called back about 30 min's later. Even typing this now four and a half years later I can remember exactly what was said...

Agency: Hi Megan I am returning your call we do have news
Me: Great! What's going on?
A: Can you and Chris come into the office this afternoon? (I remember her voice was sooo quiet)
M: (knowing this is not good at all) What is going on?
A: We really need you guys to come in...
M: (my heart was beating so fast- the up in your throat thumping in you ears kind) WHY?! What is wrong? He isn't coming home is he...
A: I am so sorry....
M: (my heart literally shattered and I couldn't speak anymore I just let out squeaks)
A: Can you guys come in at 2?
M: Squeak
A: OK we will see you then
M: Squeak

I know looking at the words from the agency it seems as if they were cold about it. That is the farthest from the truth. She was quiet and respectful of the fact that my ability to breathe and speak were gone.

By the time I had hung up with the agency I had cuddled myself into a little ball in the corner of my desk, trying desperately to not bring attention to myself in front of a room full of patients. I found my way back to an empty office and started trying to get a hold of Chris, who was out at his birthday lunch at work. By now co-workers who had seen me take off gasping for air and red faced found me. My boss finally got a hold of Chris and tells him she doesn't know what is going on (I am still not forming full works other then gone and Matthew) but something was wrong with the adoption. Now, he had an idea I was planning something for his birthday but didn't have a clue as of what. So he thought for a split second 'this is a joke right?!' my boss assured him that something was indeed very wrong and he needed to come home. My boss and a co-worker drove me home.

I came in the house and just stood in the silence... this was a bad dream it was all a bad dream. After a minute I called my Mom. She couldn't make out a word I was saying, later she told me she thought I said Chris had died at first. I was able to get out what I knew which wasn't much. When Chris made it home we left albeit extremely early to go to the office.

We got there and were never given a straight answer of what had happened other then the adoption would not proceed and he hadn't died. The days following were the saddest we have ever lived through.

Four and a half years later we have his picture on our wall with our girls. He is the baby that made us parents for those 7 short months. There isn't a time I don't wonder about him, where he is, what he is doing, and prayed that he was safe. After Charlotte was born I had terrible PPD which only made his loss more painful when I looked at my beautiful girls.

Last night I found him again. I was searching for something for Lily and I stumbled upon a website to sponsor children from around the world. These are the times in my life God (or whatever greater being there is) shows themselves to me. A thought had popped in my head about sponsoring a child a few weeks ago. I hadn't told Chris because I knew it wasn't in the budget after last month. So I just sat on it. Last night I just started looking through the site and I saw that you could type in the child's birthday and current age, as well as country. I typed in all his info and up he popped! There wasn't a doubt in my mind. I called for Chris to come look and he to knew it was him. The name listed isn't the one that we knew as his birth name, it is our last name Henry. We decided that today at nap time I would call into speak with someone about what we found and see how much more info we could find out.

I told my story to this stranger on the phone who was wonderful and she said she had never had this happen before. The problem was the way their website is set up I couldn't find him again. She assured me this wasn't a problem and that their tech support could help me. Well, after spending time with the tech guy he also couldn't find him. He told me that someone else may have already chosen to sponsor him and that is why they couldn't find him in the listing. He told to watch the site and if he were to pop back up again to call, and they would grab it for me.

I hung up feeling completely defeated. I called Chris at work and filled him in. We both started searching the site and then it just popped into my mind to check my Internet history. I never do that! I found him! They couldn't see him because he was still sitting in my cart in my history. Our little boy lost was found again.