Morning Rambling...

This spring will be a funtastic time in our house. All 3 of my loves will be graduates! And I, the eternal planner, have already begun stressing planning the festivities. But here is where my brain is stuck.... When Lily 'graduated' from pre-pre-school we invited the Grand and afterward we all went to dinner. Small and simple, more importantly she loved it. This past year when she really was a pre-school graduate we made a little more of a deal over it and invited the whole family, and had a little party here at our house afterward. Again pretty simple.

This year with all three of them having special graduations I want them all to feel as important as they are. I also do not want to overwhelm our families with non-stop parties/graduations. So far right now I was thinking of throwing one larger party for all three of them. I was thinking of doing it the weekend after Chris' graduation ( he graduates Mother's Day weekend) and then just inviting the family to each of the girls events. I found a really cute layout for an invitation for them. I know Chris does not mind sharing his spotlight at all with the girls, he actually prefers it. If we had a big party for the girls with no mention of him, he would love that- he's not big fan of people making over him. He has been put on notice that I fully heard him, and understand all of this. But, I am making a big out of this! :-)

I know it will all work out, and I also know that once I get the dates for things for me. I will relax some and then I can kick the planning into full gear.


   

The Catch Up Post

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. Love it because it is easy to keep up with everyone, but hate it because it is too easy. A sentence here or there and that is it, no real story of what is going on. So while the girls are enjoying a new Barbie movie courtesy of her birthday money I wanted to update this blog a little. Let's start with the two most important girls in my world......


Lilliana, My word has this child blossomed in Kindergarten! We have been truly blessed with an awesome teacher, who just thinks Lily is just as awesome! She is in the top tier reading group, each day she is reading more and more. She has loved books from the start, but now it is just grown! There is one really funny story from school that I have to write out so I never forget. It was the day Lily's behavior card went to yellow, (dun dun dunnnnn...)!

Her teacher didn't say anything at the fence when I picked her up, and we had a normal ride home. We got home and the girls took off to their room to change out of their school clothes and put their book bags up. I had to use the bathroom. All of a sudden I start hearing Lily screaming 'I'm not telling you! I'm not telling you!'  I opened the bathroom door and asked what in the world was going on. Charlotte appears to tell me that Lily has put herself in the closet and is crying. Insert more screaming from Lily.  I finished up in the bathroom and went to find her in her room. She was in fact in the closet and had worked herself up so far I couldn't understand a thing she was saying. I tried to get her out, but after a few minutes I thought maybe a little less attention would be just what she needed. So I told her I was going into the living room and would be there when she was ready to talk.

Meantime, Charlotte (AKA chatterbox) is talking constantly, and informing Lily and I again of everything I just said (sigh) . I head out of the room and into the living room, and pretended not to be interested. After a few minutes she finally made it out of the closet and into the hallway. Still saying over and over again that she wasn't going to tell me, I was going to be mad. Finally, after what seemed like forever she made her way into the living room and s l o w l y starts tell me her story. Did I ever mention Poose has a flare for the dramatics? Apparently, she and her learning centers partner had a hard time paying attention, and after a warning to be quieter, they both went to (gasp) yellow! She was heart broken that this had happened. We had a long talk and she was told to tell her teacher in the morning that she was sorry for not being a good listener.

After I picked her up from school the next day, her teacher apologized to me for completely forgetting she ever went to yellow, because she never does. I told her teacher what happened the afternoon before and we both tried not to giggle. Ms. M did say that she is almost glad she did go to yellow, because now Lily knows what it is like. She did say that Lily came right in and told her she was sorry.

A few days after this happened I asked her what color she was, she answered ' Mommy I was one green, I am never going back to yellow! I didn't like that at all!'

There are so many more stories, I really need to do this more again!!

Charlotte:
Oh Charlotte, Charlotte, Charlotte. God knew we needed more laughter- never at her expense. This child is so hard to discipline. She is walking the line of baby and little girl. She is a smart cookie and knows when to pull which card on us! She is in part-time preschool, and LOVES it! How do I know she loves it... she runs into the building everyday and does not look back. Just recently she started writing her whole name. She can write just about all of her letters now. 

One her favorite things right now is make-up. She loves to do makeovers. No one is immune from a Charlotte makeover, Mommy, Daddy even the dog! She is just too much. They other day Chris forgot his lunch and I told him I would run it up to him while we were out, he walked up to the van and almost fell over. When I had gotten my shower that morning, I had forgotten to pay the extra attention needed to my right eyebrow. I had the Charlotte special makeover, meaning she got to use a little of my real stuff! While I had gotten most of the makeup off the night before I forgot all about my eyebrow. I looked like a crazy person! Thankfully Chris was our first stop!

Megan and Chris: We are in a good place. Chris is in his final semester! In May he will graduate with a bachelors degree in (let me see is I can get this right.) Global Business and Public Policy. I call it his World Domination Degree. He has decided to enter into the dual Masters program. Starting in the fall. I am super proud of him, he has worked so hard to get this done. May 12th is day he will walk across stage! This May/June all 3 of my loves are going to be graduates!

As for me I have been asked by a few people if I am going to journal about what is going on with me and the choice I made for myself.  It will not be in this blog. I do plan to start another, for just me. Look for that soon. I will probably put a link on this blog to that one. It won't be private. I have nothing to hide. I am done hiding, and ready to live!  

Twas The Night Before Kindergarten

Twas the night before Kindergarten and all through our flat
Not a creature was a flutter, not even a bat
All of the new supplies were placed neatly in her pack
It is so heavy I pray it won't break her back.

My big girl, no longer a baby, was nestled all down in her bunk bed
Goodness, I hope she doesn't wake up tomorrow with bedhead
And Daddy holding still, and I in a puddle of tears
Both sat on the sofa in quiet thinking it couldn't have been already five years.

Wasn't it just yesterday we were in Guatemala holding our new baby girl
Rocking slowly and running our fingers through her soft curls
It is like a dream how quickly the time has flown bye
To say I don't miss those early days, even the hard ones, would be a lie.

Tomorrow starts a new chapter in her life full of new stories yet to be told
I am sure some will make my eyes want to roll
She will be surrounded by new ideas, new pressures, new friends
Her Daddy and I can only hope and pray that her good heart does not bend.

But tonight I hope she sleeps well and has a beautiful Kindergarten dream
Tomorrow will come soon enough, and she will have to start walking on that beam
But her Daddy and I will cheer her on daily, catch her if she has a trip and fall
Just as we did while she was learning to walk and to crawl.

Looking at her now I can see how big she has grown
I know that she is ready, even if I am feeling quite blown
My dear Kinder girl tomorrow maybe a day that in your memories that might not last
Daddy and I will always remember it as the day that came too fast.

It'll Be A Miracle

if she makes it to 5! Remember that commercial?! That is our Puddle through and through!

Well Charlotte has done it! She has now had more ER visits then she is old.

-July 4, 2008 Rolled off of our bed landed on her head-December 2008 uncontrolled vomiting, that turned bloody-June/July 2009 Respiratory distress related to croup-February 25 2011 Went to run to get a train tripped landed mouth first on our glider.

I felt a little like Tim Taylor this morning when we walked into the ER this morning.

Out of the now four trips, today's comes in a very close second to the respiratory distress. It was traumatic in every sense of the word. The initial injury wasn't so bad. Once we got her calmed down. It became the game of should we go to the ER or not. I hate that game. Finally we called her doctor she advised it better to have her looked at, if for no other reason then to make sure her tooth was ok. I could approximate the edges of the laceration on her lip, so I thought there might be a chance they should/would put in a stitch. I honestly thought they would tell us to keep it clean and make an appointment with the dentist. I couldn't have been more wrong.

She did ok with the doctor. The doctor did the same dance we did to put in one little stitch or not. Finally she decided that we should do the stitch, but there was a catch a BIG catch. The doctor told us that it would be better in the long run for Puddle if we just let the doctor put the stitch in, no numbing meds... Chris went pale. He already felt incredibly guilty because he was the one who told her to get the other train out of her room. Completely not his fault that she then tripped and fell but he still felt very bad. So to hear this, he just wanted to crawl under a rock and die.

The doctor was right. Numbing someone up for stitches is very painful and requires a big needle, plus the meds really burn. If we skipped that, yes it would hurt like hell, but it would be over quick and would only be one much smaller needle.

They also told us that they were going to have to papoose her, and that we could leave if we wanted. I couldn't ever leave them. Chris and I stayed but Chris stayed more in the back and helped the nurse hold her legs. I stayed by her face and tried to make it not so scary. The minute we laid her down she started screaming. That horrible make you heart stop scream. Thank God the doctor was good and fast and within two minutes she was back up.

She continued to scream and cry (can you blame her?!) and tell us 'those people hurt me'. She hit Chris directly in his chest screaming 'you let them hurt me!' Talk about ripping out our hearts. I kept telling her that we were so sorry and that it was all over. Chris made term arrangements to his new home... under the rock.

Before we even came home we stopped off for Motrin and headed right to the toy store. Chris took her by the hand and told her after going through all that she could have whatever she wanted! I thought he might have been kidding, oh no he meant it! LOL Thankfully, my Dino lover only picked two new dino sets. We showed her a few more things but she just wanted her little sets. In Charlotte style she had to hold them through the store.

So far tonight she had some pain when the Motrin wore off. When we gave her more Chris didn't put the bottle up high enough and about 20 mins later she walked back in the living room telling me it didn't work and we had to try again and her 'whip' still hurt.

We have to go to her doctor on Wednesday to get it taken out. I am going to keep an eye on her second top tooth, I think she might loose it before this is all over. We will have to see how that plays out.

The Dandelion Gave Her Smile Back

I haven't blogged in a LONG time! There have been some great things in the past several months and some not so great things. The person I am going to focus on tonight is my Poose.

Life with Poose these past months has not been an easy one. Chris and I have been just dumb struck by it. There have been tears (hers and ours), rage, uncontrolled outbursts, terrible sleep patterns, horrible unfounded fear. We had talked to her doctor about at her well visit and she told us just to keep watching her. So we have been. Then this past Thursday her pre-school teacher took me aside and told me that she has noticed a shift in her focus at school. She said that she was 'drifting off' and her teacher was having to instruct her to do things several times before it clicked and she did them. This was the first time I thought that there really may be something wrong. Nothing fit though. It was a big ball of little things that were not adding up to anything.

Thank God this conversation happened that same day I had an appointment with her doctor because she was still sick. I again talked to her doctor. Told her everything that has been going on. Told her about the bruise that was left on her arm because she was trying to throw herself out of the van at Target. Chris was SO upset! I held nothing back. We aren't perfect either and I wanted to put it ALL out there. We needed help. Again she has told to watch her and completely ignore the tantrums (when we are home) and remove her from the store. Explain to her what our expectations are when we are out, ex. She agreed that it may be a bunch of little things that don't add up to anything, or it might be more. We just needed to give more time.

On the way from the appointment I thought about how we interact with Poose. I came up that maybe we might be babying her and needed to loosen up a little. We have given her a small list of chores. I was also thinking that she might also not being challenged in school and here at home. I asked her about really learning to read better. Right now she can with lots of help sound out a book. But girlfriend wants to read!! I told her that we were going to start working on that. She lit right up!

Isn't it funny that sometimes you just have to go to the doctor and you feel better? This has been Poose. She has been on point all weekend. She is still having sleep problems. That is just ongoing for her. I told Chris tonight that seems to have her smile back. There is this ease that is back in her face when she smiles. We are still taking everything a step at a time. But I think that whatever was haunting her is on it's way out.

I worry more about her then Puddle. I always have. The reason is a simple, I don't know what is in her past. I only have very basic information to go on, and that is saying it is even true. I look to far into everything. She has had a pain in her leg, it is off and on. I was sure there was something really wrong. She hasn't mentioned it again since her last well check.

I think there is a also a large part of me that still (4 years later) is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Chris and I have a family we didn't think we would ever have and we were given these two beautiful girls. I keep waiting for it to all be taken away. To wake up and find this was all just a dream. I am working on this. It is just hard to learn to relax.

I am just glad my big girl was given her smile back.

What's Been Happening

Since I basically stopped blogging after trying to make it a goal to blog more this year I am know playing catch up. For me I've got to be in the right mood...

Let's review the family:

Chris, Megan, Lillaina, Charlotte, Gus, and Harley

Chris:

Still loving his job. Working hard on obtaining his Bachelors Degree. He is only 10 classes away now! 2012! His classes start again in just a few short weeks. It has been a much needed break for him. He is just been enjoying NOT being in school and hanging out! He took charge of the pool chemicals. It apparently is very hard to do with a smaller pool. IDK...He almost pulled a Carl Griswald and chucked it into the neighbors yard one day!

Megan:

I have been taking cake decorating classes. I think I am pretty darn good at it, if I do say so myself! Ever so slowly there is going to some great things happening in that direction! I did have one cake order but they backed out. I was bummed I will admit. But, I am focused on getting a fire lit slowly to keep it going, not be a flash in the pan. Stay tuned... I am hoping one day in the near future I will be able to ship some of my yummy things!

Lilliana:

She is just growing by leaps and bounds! My goodness! She can't wait for her school to start. She doesn't start until the end of October, so we still have a little time. Right now she is obsessed with Hula Girls, and Hawaii! She is writing her full first name. I love that she calls it her 'big girl name'. Everything for is a 'big girl' thing. A whole banana is a 'big girl banana', a hard boiled egg that she gets to pick is a 'big girl egg'. She loves her baby dolls. Princess Tiana is her favorite. She loves that her skin matches Tiana. In fact that is the major driving force for Chris and I to keep the Disney trip. That is a whole other post! Lily has been asking tons of questions about everything. She just wants to know everything about everything. How something works, why it works, why wouldn't work and on and on and on! She is very interested in Jesus, heaven, and death. She recently told me she was sad because her Daddy went to Jesus... ???!!! Was my response. Then she said something about him not dying, but that he works for Jesus. You should have seen Chris' face when I told him THAT story! She has been having a little trouble always telling the truth. We are working with her on that. Oh this is a funny...she wants to be a dragon for Halloween! She could totally pull it off! She is turning right into a little girl!

Charlotte-

Where did my baby go?! In less then 2 months she will turn 3! That is just unbelievable!Around this time every year I start thinking about her birthday. One day she wants Cinderella, then the next 'I cannot like Cinderella, I want Alice in Wonderland'. It is not a big deal at all it is more funny to see what she wants everyday! We are still working on her potty training. I refuse to stress over it. I stressed over Lily training and it backfired on me and stressed her out. I just keep telling myself she won't be in a pull-up in her wedding dress! Charlotte is sooo full of spunk. She loves to play dress up. In the course of one day she will in at least 3 different levels of dressed naked all the way up to full ball gown and 'diamonds'! We are going to talk to her doctor in October about her maybe being color blind. She is struggling with them. Chris is red and green color blind, these are the colors she has the most problems with. No harm in asking... Her favorite food is cheese. Chris and I were in a Lenox outlet and got the best giggle when we saw a cheese plate!

The girls in general are best friends. Look up the odd couple and there they are. Charlotte loves pok-a-dots, Lily strips. I plan to write about this later, but no matter how different they are, the closer it makes them. They love to go on adventures together to recue each other. Lily asked me if she could marry Charlotte. I told her she couldn't because she was her sister. She said 'ohhh ok, I just love her so much'. I melted right into a puddle!

Gus (AKA Butters)-

Our oldest fur baby! He is doing so much better. He had gotten out of the yard in June and messed up the pads on his paws. We had a round of antibiotics and pain meds. It was pretty sad. He seems to be back to normal! It has been almost a year since we lost Beanie and Gus has never looked better then he has these past few months with Harley. Making him happy was a top priority and I think we have finally gotten there.

Harley (AKA Lunch meat!)

He is our newest addition. He came to us through a friend at Chris' work. His daughter has a degenerative condition and wasn't able to keep him. When Chris first asked me about a boxer, NO WAY! Was my first response. But for whatever reason my heart softened and Harley came home. He is hands down the sweetest dog... well next to Gus! He is a good fit for us and as a buddy for Gus. He is like a big baby!

A Lost Boy Found

When we started out on our journey for our family we had NO clue what an up hill battle we were about to endure. Five LONG years of trying on our own, procedures, blood work, medications all led to a monthly reminder that we still weren't pregnant. As corny as this is about to sound it all changed on a family vacation to Disney World. One night at the steps of Cinderella's castle during the fireworks we made a wish, well more like a statement of fact. The next time we would hear that music we would have our children with us. Chris and I spent a LONG time just walking and talking during that trip about what would be our next steps. We had three choices, well really two because we were not, not going to have children. We could either go through IVF (our next step medically), or we could adopt. Just because I listed adoption second for our choices doesn't mean that it was a last option, it was just another one. By the time we made it home from that trip the decision had been made. We didn't tell a soul.

We came back from that trip late November/early December 2004. We worked out tails off to pay down some of the stupid debt that we had, so that when the time was right we would be in the best possible standings. The fork in our road was one that would be costly no matter which we choose. Between the legal fees paid to an attorney to guide us through an adoption, or to the doctors who would guide us through an IVF. Bottom line, we were young (26) and were just starting out on careers. The money would have to come from somewhere, and we decided that when it was time we would try to take it out of our home. We didn't want to more forward until the money was secured in full. In April 2005 we signed the paperwork that would take us on the one of the wildest rides of our lives!

During the in between time we spent a lot of it looking at agencies. One afternoon we stumbled upon the website of the Adoption Agency we would later choose to use. At first when Chris and I talked about where we would adopt from we looked into the laws for a domestic adoption and decided that it wasn't a right fit for us. Then we thought about Russia, that country was a front runner for a while. The day we found our agency and saw those beautiful brown eyed babies, long story short we were in love!

May 5, 2005 - It is easy for me to never forget that exact day. We met with our Adoption Agency for the very first time. I don't think Chris and I (up until that point) had ever been more nervous. These people were going to tear us down to nothing and look for the one thing to deny us- or so we thought. It was VERY overwhelming and I don't remember much of it other then the large pile of papers were going to have to provide them. We got started right away!

May 18, 2005 in Guatemala City, a baby born was born.

We spent most of the summer gutting our house to make it perfect and safe for our new baby. We were inspected by the health department, fire department, we had been finger printed background checked, medically cleared, our family/neighbors and friends were asked to write letters to recommend us, we had to write out our Wills, you name it we did it. The final hurdle was the home visit. This is also when my interview happened. I remember throwing dog toys strategically around our living room so it look 'lived in'! When I was done she went across the street to our neighbors ( who have known me since I was 8 years old!) to make sure we didn't come home drunk or have too many random 'visitors'. In the end we passed with flying colors!

Sometime around the end of May the little baby boy who was born on May 18th showed up on our agencies photo listing. Side note, Chris and I never asked for a girl or a boy. We thought that since we would get a choice biologically why should we pick and choose now. We wanted a baby.

Close to the end of August we were just about cleared through the paperwork when Chris and I talked one night about this baby boy, who, after so many months was still on the photo listing. I remember asking Chris if he thought he was just waiting on us. We took a few more days to think about it and finally August 30, 2005 Chris called to ask. We were both at work, Chris called and I knew to go to the back Doctors office to talk. We had him! We were parents! I floated through the rest of the day. Later that night Chris' parents came over for a late birthday dinner for his Dad. One of his presents was showing him the picture of his soon-to-be Grandson. I wanted to tell all the Grandparents face to face so I kept my mouth shut to my Mom and lied when I told her we did call but he was already placed with another family. Just so we could make it to the weekend to ride down to tell them face to face.

In November we finished off the nursery. It was Winnie the Pooh from the ceiling to the floor. It was beautiful. Chris and I spent a lot of time in there talking, we liked being in there.

The next few months dragged by. We had an update here or there but we were moving at a snails pace. We made it through all the holidays by the skin of my teeth. Month after month passing with no real progress. Little did we know that was a HUGE BEAMING red flag.

Fast forward to January 18, 2006 - Chris' birthday. I had arranged for a singing telegram monkey to go to his work that afternoon. My boss knew I was leaving early, his boss knew what was coming. It was going to be an awesome birthday. I called in that morning to our agency to get a update. Thinking there may have been some movement and I would have happy news to tell him. I had to leave a message for our coordinator. She called back about 30 min's later. Even typing this now four and a half years later I can remember exactly what was said...

Agency: Hi Megan I am returning your call we do have news
Me: Great! What's going on?
A: Can you and Chris come into the office this afternoon? (I remember her voice was sooo quiet)
M: (knowing this is not good at all) What is going on?
A: We really need you guys to come in...
M: (my heart was beating so fast- the up in your throat thumping in you ears kind) WHY?! What is wrong? He isn't coming home is he...
A: I am so sorry....
M: (my heart literally shattered and I couldn't speak anymore I just let out squeaks)
A: Can you guys come in at 2?
M: Squeak
A: OK we will see you then
M: Squeak

I know looking at the words from the agency it seems as if they were cold about it. That is the farthest from the truth. She was quiet and respectful of the fact that my ability to breathe and speak were gone.

By the time I had hung up with the agency I had cuddled myself into a little ball in the corner of my desk, trying desperately to not bring attention to myself in front of a room full of patients. I found my way back to an empty office and started trying to get a hold of Chris, who was out at his birthday lunch at work. By now co-workers who had seen me take off gasping for air and red faced found me. My boss finally got a hold of Chris and tells him she doesn't know what is going on (I am still not forming full works other then gone and Matthew) but something was wrong with the adoption. Now, he had an idea I was planning something for his birthday but didn't have a clue as of what. So he thought for a split second 'this is a joke right?!' my boss assured him that something was indeed very wrong and he needed to come home. My boss and a co-worker drove me home.

I came in the house and just stood in the silence... this was a bad dream it was all a bad dream. After a minute I called my Mom. She couldn't make out a word I was saying, later she told me she thought I said Chris had died at first. I was able to get out what I knew which wasn't much. When Chris made it home we left albeit extremely early to go to the office.

We got there and were never given a straight answer of what had happened other then the adoption would not proceed and he hadn't died. The days following were the saddest we have ever lived through.

Four and a half years later we have his picture on our wall with our girls. He is the baby that made us parents for those 7 short months. There isn't a time I don't wonder about him, where he is, what he is doing, and prayed that he was safe. After Charlotte was born I had terrible PPD which only made his loss more painful when I looked at my beautiful girls.

Last night I found him again. I was searching for something for Lily and I stumbled upon a website to sponsor children from around the world. These are the times in my life God (or whatever greater being there is) shows themselves to me. A thought had popped in my head about sponsoring a child a few weeks ago. I hadn't told Chris because I knew it wasn't in the budget after last month. So I just sat on it. Last night I just started looking through the site and I saw that you could type in the child's birthday and current age, as well as country. I typed in all his info and up he popped! There wasn't a doubt in my mind. I called for Chris to come look and he to knew it was him. The name listed isn't the one that we knew as his birth name, it is our last name Henry. We decided that today at nap time I would call into speak with someone about what we found and see how much more info we could find out.

I told my story to this stranger on the phone who was wonderful and she said she had never had this happen before. The problem was the way their website is set up I couldn't find him again. She assured me this wasn't a problem and that their tech support could help me. Well, after spending time with the tech guy he also couldn't find him. He told me that someone else may have already chosen to sponsor him and that is why they couldn't find him in the listing. He told to watch the site and if he were to pop back up again to call, and they would grab it for me.

I hung up feeling completely defeated. I called Chris at work and filled him in. We both started searching the site and then it just popped into my mind to check my Internet history. I never do that! I found him! They couldn't see him because he was still sitting in my cart in my history. Our little boy lost was found again.

Double Kisses

Lily has been asking a TON of questions about her birth mom. She calls her Guatemala Mommy. I am completely not threaten by her questions and I let them come out naturally. Funny though they always seem to come up during lunchtime.... sometimes while we are snuggling but mostly at lunch. She understands a lot of what happened during the process to bring her home-on a 4 year old level.

Today though the way she was retelling it to me took me aback. She said 'You wanted a baby of your own and you couldn't have one. Then you found me.' Most people not in the world wouldn't understand why that one word stood out, but it did like an elephant in an ant hill. I told her that was, in fact, my child and that God knew how badly we wanted a baby and how badly her Guatemala Mommy wanted her to have a great life. That God put us together. That made her smile. She kept talking about how much she misses her Guatemala Mommy, but that she doesn't want to leave me. She has a huge issues with 'her family' being taken away. She has nightmares about us (namely me) being taken away. We use reassuring language when this comes up. There is true anxiety about this for her. But it doesn't show itself in separation. She loves to go to school, go with Chris to the store without me. She even prefers Chris to me (look up Daddy's girl and there she is!). She will spend time with her Grands.

I thought we were doing to the right thing by making adoption a non-issue. Trying to make it a part of who she is not all that she is. She has been talking about wanting to visit her Guatemala Mommy. I told her that she could go anytime she wanted, but we needed to wait until she was a little older. She said she wanted to show her how good she was getting at her letters, and writing her name. I always tell her that I know she would be over the moon proud of her just like I am. I make sure I tell her that I know she loved her sooo much and wanted the very best for her. We have the picture that was taken of the two of them at the DNA appointment hanging in our living room. Am I reading to much into this? Should we search for her? Should we not? Would this good for Lily or not? I have NO clue... Why does being a parent NOT come with a manual?!

The sweet thing she said one day as we were talking about whom was who's parent (Mom-Mom is Momma's Mommy; Grandpa is Daddy's Daddy etc) Lily said 'my Mommy is my Guatemala Mommy.' My heart stopped, then that sweet baby said 'but you are my Momma'. I admit the corners of my eyes had the burn going on.

Lily, when you are reading this in 15 years... Momma is trying so hard to do this right for you! There was a song that I found when we were waiting for you called From Gods Arms To My Arms To Yours. It is from the prospective of the birth mom. The part that stuck in my mind is where she asks for the parents to kiss him for her. Every special thing in your life, sometimes just because I make sure I take that second and give you double kisses and how I wish with all my might that your Guatemala Mommy could know what was happening at that very moment.

My First Field Trip

Beings that today was Lily's zoo field trip, she of course was up at midnight in our bedroom. Apparently she had gotten up vomited. We had no clue this was taking place because we had taken the monitor out of their room to take to my Mom's for Charlotte. Of course, I forgot to actually take drop it off to my Mom and it was still sitting in the living room in the bag when Lily looked at me and punched me right in the gut and said ' Mommy I was throwing up and you didn't come.' FAIL... :-(

Chris took off running to check out her bed (Charlotte's bed) and I was checking over her. I didn't see anything on her and Chris found nothing in her bed. Turns out she made it to the potty. She had started a cough and drippy nose on Monday and that is what we think was going on. After the total fail of not having the monitor in place, Chris plugs it all back in turns it on just for Lily to sleep the rest of the night in our bed.

She slept in late, her teacher told me that she didn't have to come in until 9am so that worked out just fine. Lily looked and sounded bad when she woke up. No fever, and no more throwing up just congested. After a little while she started to look more like cute self. We made it to school just in time.

**I have to side step here. Because I have been not blogging there is a piece of this story that won't make sense unless I stop and tell this other story KWIM? Good! Lily doesn't ask questions so much about her adoption anymore, she makes statements of fact. Sometimes they are right, sometimes she just misses and sometimes she makes my heart stop. Her most frequent statement is 'I don't want to go back to Guatemala, I missed you too much and not ever gonna leave you.' Now this statement is pieces of her story we told her about how much WE missed her and how WE weren't ever going to leave her. The part about not wanting to go back to Guatemala stems from us saying she could go visit there when she was older, she thinks it means she is going to stay there forever. **

We are on the bus on our way to the zoo Lily turned my face to hers, rubbed my cheek and said 'Momma I love you, I glad you come and be my partner, I never gonna leave you.' I melted.

Once we got to the zoo the preschoolers and high school students separated into their groups. Our group was Lily, her two high school teachers and myself. She held my hand the entire time. Not because I made her, because she wanted to. We walked that entire zoo and she only said one time that her legs hurt and that was on our way out.

We stopped at the gift shop brought home a new Giraffe that she has named Soft- because that is how he feels. When we got back on the bus she thanked me coming with her! There aren't enough words to express how wonderful today was!

Lily thank you for hands down one of the best days ever!


PS If you are looking for pics, I put them on facebook. Blogger is a pain to post pics on.

Ordinary Day

This is so incredibly true...