Happy Birthday Sweet Boy

Today, somewhere in the world our Matthew turns 4 years old.

The feelings that surround Matthew's loss is hard for people to understand unless you lived through a failed adoption. We were in process (paper pregnant) for a little over 5 months. When we lost him it was as if he died. He was pulled away from us so fast it made our world spin. Until the exact time of that call we thought everything was going perfectly.

We loved Matthew, we love Matthew. We would have given him a home full of laughter and love. His loss is no less just because we didn't carry him. We never held him in our arms but that doesn't mean we aren't as broken by his absence. Some would think that with time his memory would just fade off, especially since we have our girls. Not even close to true. If anything it makes it that much harder. Not that we would trade a second with them or wish he were here instead. In a perfect world we would have them all in our arms everyday. He would be running with Chris through the boy sections of Disney this fall and love all things Star Trek. But that wasn't meant to be. Instead we are here mourning for our baby who we only ever touched through a computer screen, but love with every bit of our hearts.

This year Chris and I choose to do things a little different. We sponsored a little boy on the Salvation Army Angel Tree that was Matthew's age at Christmas. It brought us great happiness to give to another little boy. Even more Chris and I were able to shop without the girls it was nice to really be able to think about what Matthew would like at his age. It was comforting in way.

I am in a much better place with his loss then in years past. Will I ever be over it? No chance. His loss was the single saddest of our lives and marriage. I think of him everyday, even more so on May 18th(his birthday), and January 18th(the day he was taken). I will be thinking of him at Lily and Charlotte's Graduations, at their weddings. I am sure I will be blogging 16 years from now when he turns 20 and have the same tear stained face. For those 5 very short months he was our baby, our Son, and he will never be forgotten.

We love you so very much Matthew! Happy 4th Birthday sweet boy...

From Where You Are

Lifehouse

So far away from where you are

These miles have torn us worlds apart

and I miss you

I miss you

So far away from where you are

I'm out standing underneath the stars

and I wish you

were here

I miss the years that were erased

I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face

I miss all the little things

I never thought that they'd mean everything to me

I miss you

and I wish you

were here

I feel the beating of you heart

I see the shadows of your face

Just know that wherever you are

I miss you

and I wish you

were here

So far away from where you are

These miles have torn us worlds apart

I miss you, I miss you

and I wish you

were here....